Every relationship experiences some
conflict. Some experience more than others, some are playful, and some are
hateful. Then there are those that are never ending patterns of conflict that
seem impossible to break.
If you do want to stop the cycle of conflict, consider these 10 steps to bring harmony back to your relationship. Note that this doesn't only apply to parents or boyfriends and girlfriends; these can also apply to conflicts at work as well.
If you do want to stop the cycle of conflict, consider these 10 steps to bring harmony back to your relationship. Note that this doesn't only apply to parents or boyfriends and girlfriends; these can also apply to conflicts at work as well.
1. Cool down Time: If you've found yourself in a heated argument, the best
thing you can do is walk away for a little while. Blow off some steam with a
walk or by talking things out with a clear headed friend. If you just need some
rest, take a nap or a meditation nap. Before going separate ways take a deep breath and agree to discuss the issue
later. The whole goal of separating should be to come back together with a
better ability to work things out.
2. Mutual Respect: No matter how divided you are in your positions, always
remember the humanity of the other person. Keep in mind their weaknesses and
frailties. Think about the respect you want and then give it unconditionally to
the other person. Be kind even if you are angry. If that makes you cry instead
of screaming, you'll probably find that yourself getting closer to the true
root of the issue. When you get to the root, you can start solving things. Continue...
3. Start with Yourself: Ask yourself what part of the
argument is your responsibility. How did you contribute
to this argument? What can you do to
resolve it? Do you need to
apologize? Do you know how? This is
a 3 steps to a proper apology:
- I am sorry.
- It was my fault.
- How can I make it right again?
4. What's It All About: From your
perspective, what is the argument really about? What would the other person say
the argument is about? What common goals do you both share that could be used
as a vehicle to reach a resolution?
5. Needs vs. Wants: Figure out what it is that you want.
Then ask yourself, "What do I really need?" Go for
what you need and be flexible on your wants. A need is something you can't live
without and a want is more of a preference. A resolution doesn't mean you get
everything you want, but hopefully you get everything that you need. If you
can't get what you need then you may need to re-evaluate the relationship.
6. Compassion and Empathy: How is the other person
feeling? How would it feel to be in their shoes? Be honest. What are their
fears behind the anger? Focus on the good qualities in the other person and
consider what their goals are.
7. Wisdom and Strengths: What are the best qualities
of this person? What wisdom do they possess? Everyone is smart about something.
How can you tap into that wisdom to help you move forward out of conflict? What
can you learn from your partner?
8. Better to Be Happy than to Be
Right: Conflict can be hurtful and damaging to a relationship when
allowed to run wild. Take a step back to view the big picture. What do you
really want? What is your goal at the end of your life? How will you view this
argument? What will you wish you did? How can you emerge from this conflict and
return to a light and peaceful state?
9. Mutual Caring: What good things do you want
for your partner? How can you help that person get what they need while you get
what you need, either actively or by taking a step back?
10. Good Times Together: Often we can get into a
pattern of conflict with partners and friends when we are not finding time to
share fun together. So once the immediate conflict is resolved or at least
semi-resolved, take some action that will have long-term benefits. Schedule in
fun time together on a regular basis. A good place to start is once a week.
Designate this time to be "Fun Time Only" together. No discussion of
trigger topics, just fun. Enjoy
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